"Excerpts from a Dog's Diary"
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
"Excerpts from a Cat's Diary"
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Pet Diaries....
Got this email from Kel, it had me laughing all day long......
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5 comments:
Very cute...I think this is true.
Haha that is funny. God I hate cats. Living with a cat for the first time in my life re-affirms every belief about them. They are the devil re-incarnated. That story is funny because it is seemingly so true.
Damn you Nick. As I was reading, all I could think was God I hate cats. I have no desire to get a pet that requires me to beg for its affection. I have a hard enough time doing that with my girlfriend. The first bit about dogs makes me like them even more though!
Yes sir I like it Adam!. That is why I love dogs as well. No matter how shitty of a day you have had no matter how shitty you treat them (with in reason) they love you. My next task is to find a girlfriend who will do the same.
Cats are the shit, they keep the blanket monsters at bay. No animal is more entertaining, than a cat plus they poop in a box. Although one of my cats is racist, it is nice to me so I don't mind her intolerance.
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