Josh wakes up to find intruder in his bedroom(answers in the form of machete)

2:35 Is very early in the morning, and I am a man who enjoys his sleep. They say pets develop traits of their owners and my dog enjoys the soft tap of the snooze button as much as I. So when my dog decides to go apeshit crazy like an amalgamation of bacon chicken and puperoni fairy all rolled into one is at the front door, I decide to take notice. On first inspection the house appeared normal all doors locked and dead bolted all exterior lights shining bright, but my dog is not one to cry wolf so I made a pit stop to my offices repository of garden tools and baseball bats and selected my yard axe and my 27" aluminum bat as worthy plan B's and returned to bed.

2:51 Is even earlier into the morning or later in the evening depending on which shift of humanity you belong. The bacon-chicken-puperoni fairy appears to be making his encore performance, so I again start to rise, but this time I reach under the bed and my hand finds the handle of my yard axe. I am in the process of removing the comforter when a gentleman with a shaved head and arm sleeves enters the room. Now many phrases come to one's mind, full of eloquence and class, but my tongue settled on "Who the fuck are you, and what the fuck are you doing in my house?" The invader now startled, having forgone the electronic riches of my living room, decides a handful of women's clothing and my work shoes will make this b&e worth the risk. Yard Axe in hand I pursue the thief into my hallway, noticing that my machete wielding likeness has startled the intruder into dropping his cell phone. Spoils of battle left behind. The pursuit leads to my front door where I notice the thief is without shoes, aside from the ones in his hand. I demand he drop everything and he complies, again as a reminder I have a yard axe in hand and have been twice disturbed from restful slumber, I no happy. Cristina forms the reserves armed with heavy firepower in case my forward assault ends badly, but as many a tree limb will attest, I am a force to be reckoned with when wielding a machete. Would be burglar successfully run off, I take inventory. One thief's cell phone, one thief's pair of shoes and a giant surge of adrenaline later, I phone the police. Point of entry was my front window popped from its latch, but as I write this the intended target of the break in was unknown.

3:02 Police arrive in force and use the recovered cell phone to obtain the identity of the intruder, he will not be called thief, because he did not successfully rob me of any tangible item aside from precious sleep. Last night was Tampa's Police Night Out, a special tour de force where police patrols were especially heavy for reference. Police officers determine that the man who entered my home was a south Tampa resident, specifically living a few blocks away.

3:15 Police determine that I am in possession of the coolest cat ever and proceed to entertain said cat with a laser pointer to distract her while they gather finger prints. TPD was amazing in their wee hour efforts.

4:15 Police have captured the suspect and take me for a drive by ID'ing.

4:30 Coffee maker purrs to life with the realization that a distant morning sun is no longer some far off instant in time, but a very real and disturbing truth. My bed will go wanting for the rest of the evening.

6:00 As a cruel reminder of the sleep not slept my alarm clock sounds.